"That Russian kid..."

I can't tell you how many conversations I've heard this week that have started with "That Russian kid...?", which is usually followed by, "Is he a RAD kid?"

Yes, that's exactly what the upcoming movie The Boarder is all about. The young boy recently making the news worldwide demonstrates all the classic signs of being a highly disturbed child with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which brings with it all sorts of predictable but highly misunderstood situations.

When we don't understand what's happening to a child, as in this sad case, we tend to blame the mother or the parents. We naturally think they shoulda done this or they shoulda done that, but mostly we think those parents just didn't love that child enough. Or, as in this case, that the mother didn't try long enough.

One of the problems with adoptions from many parts of the world, including Russia and Romania, are the terrible conditions and questionable practices of orphanages caring for children in those poor countries. I know of cases where Romanian children laid ignored in orphanage cribs well into their 6th year of life, often taking their porage from bottles and then suddenly adopted by "rich" American couples.

Imagine the shock to little, undeveloped systems to get out of bed (literally) in time to walk out the door with people they've never seen before who speak a language they don't understand to fly to America. Because of their impoverished start they don't know how to play or eat or potty normally. And they certainly don't know anything about human interaction, trust or love. In other words, the entire set-up is a perfect combination for failure by everyone involved.

So try to imagine this situation if you can: you have given a home to a needy child, a beautiful waif who by his very presence tugs at your mama or papa heartstrings. You clean them up, give them a new life with all the trappings - enough food, a bed, toys, siblings and parents who have a proven track record for loving children far beyond reason.

Sure, it goes well for a while because everyone is on their best behavior and want this placement to be a success. But then, without notice something happens, there are suddenly cracks in the child's pleasant, smiling facade. Now, for some reason he won't mind, becomes sneaky, you start finding valuable items missing and he's convinced the entire neighborhood, with the blink of an adorable eye, that YOU are the devil incarnate. What???

And the harder you try your tried-and-true parenting skills the worse he seems to get. Then you find you're in this alone because your spouse, parents, neighbors, and church friends pour LOVE, LOVE, LOVE on this child while you are being secretly terrorized by the child in the privacy of your own home. Oh, yeah, and then you find a note containing detailed plans of how he'll kill your family, but no mention of when. Or your family pet comes up missing or maimed with no obvious cause.

In classic cases like this, and it happens oh, so much more frequently then we can imagine, the mama target and is questioning her sanity alone with no one to convince her otherwise.

So, I ask you -- What would YOU do with a child that challenges your every belief, is destroying your family from within, and plans to kill whenever he wants no matter how hard you try to make the situation different?

The truth is, as long as we refuse to look at this situation for what it is, this child - and others like him - cannot be stopped. The Boarder novel and movie are preparing to shed light on this terrible disorder that gets children sent back to Russia, leaves families destroyed and give the press an opportunity to blame all the victims of a terrible disorder.

But there is something you can do. Read, learn about Attachment Disorders (there's more info available within this website) and once you're convinced you can help support projects that are built to help us all out of our collective blindness.

One person can make a difference in the lives of disturbed children and destroyed families, and it begins with you. Please send this on to your contacts so we can all make a difference in the lives of all children who are abandoned or traumatized in their early lives.

Thank you and God bless. Jane Ryan

WoW!

Now that I've gotten through the basics which is what I consider the Prologue from my non-fiction book, Broken Spirits Lost Souls (BSLS), I can get to the fun of the business of getting to 'The Boarder,' the film version of my recent novel. That still may leave you wondering about the connection of the two books, BSLS and the novel 'The Boarder.'

You've figured out that I'm all about teaching, right? BSLS provides the basic information about attachment difficulties, including the most severe form, Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD. After BSLS I decided that it would be a good thing to put what we know into a story - the novel and film - that's based on real experiences with disturbed kids.

Occasionally someone says they've enjoyed both books which makes me wonder what's wrong with them. Sure I think both books are great, but then again, it only makes sense that I would! But maybe enjoy isn't quite the right word...

I think the reason anyone writes is to make people feel. So, if reading 'The Boarder' or BSLS makes you feel anything (often uncomfortable, at least) then I'm doing my job. That will be the very same goal when we put 'The Boarder' on film. For some the project could appear like a flashing "Wake up! Wake up!" sign.

At least for the children and the families who love them, I sure hope so.

See you soon. jr

The Prologue is completed. Now we can move on...

These are the final words from the Broken Spirits Lost Souls Prologue:

"My personal education has been long and I have finally learned that my emotional pain is nothing compared to the lifetime of no intimate relationships my son will experience. His loss is great, but our loss of him has been immense. For the first several years of my children’s lives I was ill prepared to deal with their incredible issues. I grew up in what I now lovingly call “la-la-land,” in the fertile soil of my own imagination. I was the daughter of a career military man and moved frequently during my school years.

"The continual losses were so overwhelming that I retreated into a world of books and fantasies. I hid my feelings well, and did so with great regularity; consequently, never did I learn to talk about anything important like feelings or living concerns. So in my make-believe world I had a dozen wonderful children who had no problems, loved me madly, and never misbehaved or left me. Reality has always been a bitter pill for me to swallow.

"When I was twelve, Dale Evan’s book, The Littlest Angel, had a profound effect on my life. I learned she and Roy Rogers had an adopted family, and so decided that, too, was to be my path. Twenty years later I had a start on the family I’d always dreamed of: three adopted children followed by a biological one. My children were a variety of races and ethnic backgrounds, all incredibly intelligent and beautiful. I’d concluded that I was the luckiest and most blessed woman in the entire world. When the fourth was born I still wasn’t sure my family was complete, the dream of having twelve children was very much alive in me.

"I’d been offered several children from local adoption agencies, but my husband did not share my fantasy, so refused to take them. I was very hurt and angry, but when he decided to leave the marriage I experienced unbelievable gratitude that we had not taken the additional youngsters."

"Then I was a single parent of children ages 6, 5, 3, and 2, and soon discovered I already had more than I could manage. We struggled emotionally and financially for many years. My son’s behaviors declined dramatically while my other children were being abused and confused by Quinn and his antics. I felt more alone and depressed than ever in my life. I became more secretive and anxious, increasingly more frightened for and of Quinn. Therapist after therapist was unable to see the truth of my child as he exuded charm and cooperation whenever observed.
"All in all it took eight frustrating years of searching for a professional who could accept or understand my experiences. After three days of discovering Quinn setting fires in my home, he was admitted to a Midwestern psychiatric hospital for a long-needed evaluation. Upon admission the staff found it difficult to believe that such a sweet acting child could be as wild, unsocialized, and aggressive as I’d described. But, perhaps to humor me, he was admitted under a “suicide watch.” Little did they know, he was actually homicidal.

"About two hours after admission my child brutally attacked another young patient, as he had done so many times to his siblings. My kid was slim, ten years old, and it took five adults—security and nurses—to put him into five-point leather restraints. Quinn remained in isolation and restrained for most of the first two weeks out of a need to protect him and the other children. The admitting nurse said, “Is that what you were talking about?” My secret finally pushed open the door, finally others witnessed the truth: my darling, smart, beautiful baby was also treacherous. He had no concern for others and would do anything to gain control over others in his drive to get his own way.

"I've had a strong desire to write this book for about ten years, but have been hesitant to do so. As I remember the hopes and dreams of more innocent times, tears sting my eyes, overwhelm-ed with sadness for the pain we have all had to endure. My home, in spite of a deep desire and longing for it to be different, and prayers to a God I thought had forsaken me, was a modern day combat zone. However, this book is not about me; nor is it about Quinn, in particular. It is about children like mine and the families who love them.

"Our personal paths, Quinn’s and mine, are revealed to you through the stories told by other parents. The family lives of those with attachment-disordered or severely disturbed children are profoundly alike. Some minute details vary, but the overall effect of these strong children on their loved ones is eerily the same. Through the stories of unusual families, you will learn about the impact a poorly known psychological malady has on families living with it, and hence, on society as a whole.

"As I write this book, I find myself in tears from feelings long felt, but today that is okay. In spite of old fears, I no longer think I will evaporate into nothingness if I tell our story. There is a say-ing: “You’re only as sick as the secrets you keep.” I did not want to keep the realities of our lives secret; I told my spouse, my family members, and my friends some of the truth. Therapists told me I was awfully anxious and if I would just calm down we would be all right. My original family had no ability to comprehend what was happening, as it was too bizarre. My other children were very young and did their best to survive our personal, collective hell. Having never experienced the terrifying, dangerous behaviors of our child, my former husband was incapable of being supportive. I need to say that those who did not understand, who did not believe, or who could not support us are not being blamed.

"Above all else, I cry for my child. Reactive Attachment Disorder is a thief: it robbed my child of the love he needs and deserves, because he was unable to receive it. He was never able to develop a sense of caring, so cannot give back to the world in a positive way. I also grieve for the deep, unrelenting pain in his life, or for the lack of it; for missed opportunities; and for his inability to overcome his genes or his emotional makeup. A series of events before birth and during the early weeks of his life culminated in the resultant malady; he did not cause it.

"In the past I believed he was broken-hearted; now I understand that it is his spirit that was broken. Living with someone with an attachment disorder is like standing too close, uncomfort-ably close, to someone you don’t know. When you divert your eyes from direct visual contact, they remain right there in your path. When you look past their ear, your peripheral vision captures a clear view of their curious stare. Looking down at the ground provides you no relief. Instead, and as much as you may want to run from the forced closeness, you are confronted with yet another facet of the same person—the belly, or the tips of their shoes. Just like that imposing person there in your face, with an attachment-disordered individual, no matter how hard you try to divert your gaze all you get is another view of the same problem.

"I am now on the downside of over two decades of misunderstanding and of not grasping the depth of the problem. The mystery of attachment and bonding problems is coming into the light, the only place it can be solved. Today I am grateful to the God of my misunderstanding.Intimate

contact with this disorder has changed the course of my life. I had envisioned a somewhat dull, ordinary existence—marriage, raising a family into adult-hood, worthwhile work, then retire-ment with my husband to travel until I became too old to safely leave home.

"Life as I imagined it would have “looked good” on the outside, clean and tidy, and lived on
the surface as I’d begun my life, with few deep emotions. Instead, I have lived an amazing life forced into isolation by my shame and unbelievable sense of failure brought on by powerful thoughts that I had caused my child’s problems. My solitary life has included continuous conflict punctuated by unexpected, overwhelming emotional and physical challenges.

"In place of calm and predictable I’ve experienced messy, overwhelming, and painful. I lost my child to institutions because by the age of twelve I was already unable to manage him at home. I also lost love, a marriage, a good reputation, and support because others did not believe me; then two homes because I had a choice—pay for his therapy or my mortgage. Suddenly, not being believed and regarded with disdain by my family and professionals forced my hand. I was finally pushed to consider my deepest beliefs and to develop a relationship with a higher power that could sustain me when earthly beings with human frailties failed me.

"Consequently, because of such an unexpected lifetime, intertwined with this disorder, I am left with an enormous pool of empathy, understanding, sensitivity, and love for my children, none of which would have been true without the exact experiences we survived together. I have finally gained a sense of peace, self-respect, and hope that I am able to share with other families and those who share a kinship with me because of our mutual histories. It is by God’s grace that I am gentle and kind rather than bitter and angry. Perhaps all the experiences in our lives are meant to enlighten, to guide, and to teach us what it is that we need to know. It is my confirmed belief that Quinn, who has had the most difficult time in life, has been my greatest teacher.

Amen. As I read these last few paragraphs I see that they are more true today than when I first wrote them in 2002. My children and the experiences I've had because I've loved them have been valuable gifts to my life and I know I'm a better person because of them.

Thank you, Dear Ones.

Later...