WoW!

Now that I've gotten through the basics which is what I consider the Prologue from my non-fiction book, Broken Spirits Lost Souls (BSLS), I can get to the fun of the business of getting to 'The Boarder,' the film version of my recent novel. That still may leave you wondering about the connection of the two books, BSLS and the novel 'The Boarder.'

You've figured out that I'm all about teaching, right? BSLS provides the basic information about attachment difficulties, including the most severe form, Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD. After BSLS I decided that it would be a good thing to put what we know into a story - the novel and film - that's based on real experiences with disturbed kids.

Occasionally someone says they've enjoyed both books which makes me wonder what's wrong with them. Sure I think both books are great, but then again, it only makes sense that I would! But maybe enjoy isn't quite the right word...

I think the reason anyone writes is to make people feel. So, if reading 'The Boarder' or BSLS makes you feel anything (often uncomfortable, at least) then I'm doing my job. That will be the very same goal when we put 'The Boarder' on film. For some the project could appear like a flashing "Wake up! Wake up!" sign.

At least for the children and the families who love them, I sure hope so.

See you soon. jr

The Prologue is completed. Now we can move on...

These are the final words from the Broken Spirits Lost Souls Prologue:

"My personal education has been long and I have finally learned that my emotional pain is nothing compared to the lifetime of no intimate relationships my son will experience. His loss is great, but our loss of him has been immense. For the first several years of my children’s lives I was ill prepared to deal with their incredible issues. I grew up in what I now lovingly call “la-la-land,” in the fertile soil of my own imagination. I was the daughter of a career military man and moved frequently during my school years.

"The continual losses were so overwhelming that I retreated into a world of books and fantasies. I hid my feelings well, and did so with great regularity; consequently, never did I learn to talk about anything important like feelings or living concerns. So in my make-believe world I had a dozen wonderful children who had no problems, loved me madly, and never misbehaved or left me. Reality has always been a bitter pill for me to swallow.

"When I was twelve, Dale Evan’s book, The Littlest Angel, had a profound effect on my life. I learned she and Roy Rogers had an adopted family, and so decided that, too, was to be my path. Twenty years later I had a start on the family I’d always dreamed of: three adopted children followed by a biological one. My children were a variety of races and ethnic backgrounds, all incredibly intelligent and beautiful. I’d concluded that I was the luckiest and most blessed woman in the entire world. When the fourth was born I still wasn’t sure my family was complete, the dream of having twelve children was very much alive in me.

"I’d been offered several children from local adoption agencies, but my husband did not share my fantasy, so refused to take them. I was very hurt and angry, but when he decided to leave the marriage I experienced unbelievable gratitude that we had not taken the additional youngsters."

"Then I was a single parent of children ages 6, 5, 3, and 2, and soon discovered I already had more than I could manage. We struggled emotionally and financially for many years. My son’s behaviors declined dramatically while my other children were being abused and confused by Quinn and his antics. I felt more alone and depressed than ever in my life. I became more secretive and anxious, increasingly more frightened for and of Quinn. Therapist after therapist was unable to see the truth of my child as he exuded charm and cooperation whenever observed.
"All in all it took eight frustrating years of searching for a professional who could accept or understand my experiences. After three days of discovering Quinn setting fires in my home, he was admitted to a Midwestern psychiatric hospital for a long-needed evaluation. Upon admission the staff found it difficult to believe that such a sweet acting child could be as wild, unsocialized, and aggressive as I’d described. But, perhaps to humor me, he was admitted under a “suicide watch.” Little did they know, he was actually homicidal.

"About two hours after admission my child brutally attacked another young patient, as he had done so many times to his siblings. My kid was slim, ten years old, and it took five adults—security and nurses—to put him into five-point leather restraints. Quinn remained in isolation and restrained for most of the first two weeks out of a need to protect him and the other children. The admitting nurse said, “Is that what you were talking about?” My secret finally pushed open the door, finally others witnessed the truth: my darling, smart, beautiful baby was also treacherous. He had no concern for others and would do anything to gain control over others in his drive to get his own way.

"I've had a strong desire to write this book for about ten years, but have been hesitant to do so. As I remember the hopes and dreams of more innocent times, tears sting my eyes, overwhelm-ed with sadness for the pain we have all had to endure. My home, in spite of a deep desire and longing for it to be different, and prayers to a God I thought had forsaken me, was a modern day combat zone. However, this book is not about me; nor is it about Quinn, in particular. It is about children like mine and the families who love them.

"Our personal paths, Quinn’s and mine, are revealed to you through the stories told by other parents. The family lives of those with attachment-disordered or severely disturbed children are profoundly alike. Some minute details vary, but the overall effect of these strong children on their loved ones is eerily the same. Through the stories of unusual families, you will learn about the impact a poorly known psychological malady has on families living with it, and hence, on society as a whole.

"As I write this book, I find myself in tears from feelings long felt, but today that is okay. In spite of old fears, I no longer think I will evaporate into nothingness if I tell our story. There is a say-ing: “You’re only as sick as the secrets you keep.” I did not want to keep the realities of our lives secret; I told my spouse, my family members, and my friends some of the truth. Therapists told me I was awfully anxious and if I would just calm down we would be all right. My original family had no ability to comprehend what was happening, as it was too bizarre. My other children were very young and did their best to survive our personal, collective hell. Having never experienced the terrifying, dangerous behaviors of our child, my former husband was incapable of being supportive. I need to say that those who did not understand, who did not believe, or who could not support us are not being blamed.

"Above all else, I cry for my child. Reactive Attachment Disorder is a thief: it robbed my child of the love he needs and deserves, because he was unable to receive it. He was never able to develop a sense of caring, so cannot give back to the world in a positive way. I also grieve for the deep, unrelenting pain in his life, or for the lack of it; for missed opportunities; and for his inability to overcome his genes or his emotional makeup. A series of events before birth and during the early weeks of his life culminated in the resultant malady; he did not cause it.

"In the past I believed he was broken-hearted; now I understand that it is his spirit that was broken. Living with someone with an attachment disorder is like standing too close, uncomfort-ably close, to someone you don’t know. When you divert your eyes from direct visual contact, they remain right there in your path. When you look past their ear, your peripheral vision captures a clear view of their curious stare. Looking down at the ground provides you no relief. Instead, and as much as you may want to run from the forced closeness, you are confronted with yet another facet of the same person—the belly, or the tips of their shoes. Just like that imposing person there in your face, with an attachment-disordered individual, no matter how hard you try to divert your gaze all you get is another view of the same problem.

"I am now on the downside of over two decades of misunderstanding and of not grasping the depth of the problem. The mystery of attachment and bonding problems is coming into the light, the only place it can be solved. Today I am grateful to the God of my misunderstanding.Intimate

contact with this disorder has changed the course of my life. I had envisioned a somewhat dull, ordinary existence—marriage, raising a family into adult-hood, worthwhile work, then retire-ment with my husband to travel until I became too old to safely leave home.

"Life as I imagined it would have “looked good” on the outside, clean and tidy, and lived on
the surface as I’d begun my life, with few deep emotions. Instead, I have lived an amazing life forced into isolation by my shame and unbelievable sense of failure brought on by powerful thoughts that I had caused my child’s problems. My solitary life has included continuous conflict punctuated by unexpected, overwhelming emotional and physical challenges.

"In place of calm and predictable I’ve experienced messy, overwhelming, and painful. I lost my child to institutions because by the age of twelve I was already unable to manage him at home. I also lost love, a marriage, a good reputation, and support because others did not believe me; then two homes because I had a choice—pay for his therapy or my mortgage. Suddenly, not being believed and regarded with disdain by my family and professionals forced my hand. I was finally pushed to consider my deepest beliefs and to develop a relationship with a higher power that could sustain me when earthly beings with human frailties failed me.

"Consequently, because of such an unexpected lifetime, intertwined with this disorder, I am left with an enormous pool of empathy, understanding, sensitivity, and love for my children, none of which would have been true without the exact experiences we survived together. I have finally gained a sense of peace, self-respect, and hope that I am able to share with other families and those who share a kinship with me because of our mutual histories. It is by God’s grace that I am gentle and kind rather than bitter and angry. Perhaps all the experiences in our lives are meant to enlighten, to guide, and to teach us what it is that we need to know. It is my confirmed belief that Quinn, who has had the most difficult time in life, has been my greatest teacher.

Amen. As I read these last few paragraphs I see that they are more true today than when I first wrote them in 2002. My children and the experiences I've had because I've loved them have been valuable gifts to my life and I know I'm a better person because of them.

Thank you, Dear Ones.

Later...

BSLS Prologue counting down...

"I am so sad as I write this list, a rap sheet of sorts—an unsuccessful attempt at an impassionate look at a child I have always loved. After multiple trips to counselors and therapists over his first 9 years, in which they had no idea what ailed him, Quinn was finally diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). In spite of our best plans and intentions I was told he never attached emotionally to anyone, a bond necessary to love and live well. That still breaks my heart, but my “heart problem” developed over time; his seemed congenital.

"I wanted Quinn to become attached to me, to anyone, and did everything in my power to make that happen. For years I’d visited professionals who knew nothing of what I was describing. I even held on to the hope I’d meet one who would believe what I was seeing and saying. I went to graduate school and earned a Master of Arts degree in counseling out of self-defense, thinking that if I became a therapist I would have enough skills as “Q’s” mother to fix his problems. I was told to “just love him more” by well-meaning relatives. I felt guilty because in my pain I heard them say that the problem was me, that it happened because I didn’t love him enough. To blog on 3/11/10

Although we are still in the process of putting together those who'll help get The Boarder movie to the big screen there are several who quietly do outstanding work behind the scenes... Megan Yutesler and Carmen Cabana (co-art director and cinematographer) are the force behind this website. You're doing fabulous work, you two! Thank you, thank you!

Be well and have a great weekend. Jane

More signs of attachment disturbances...

Continued from last blog...

"Beginning at his fourth birthday until the end of his sixth year, Quinn:
• ripped and poked holes in his own clothing
• set siblings up to fight with each other then “rescued” the loser
• threatened suicide
• threatened to kill peers “if you tell”
• threatened to kill mother (knives, fire) and siblings
• broke the family dog’s back
• intentionally hurt self and not cry
• skipped school starting in kindergarten
• urinated on rugs and in corners of room and blamed family dog
• began running away
• set fires in and around house
• fainted when not getting own way
• tortured the family pets and killed the hamsters."

"Between his seventh and eighth years my child demonstrated the following behaviors:
• vomited on dinner table (in home or restaurants) when corrected
• urinated into the family shampoo
• vomited on teammates if peers didn’t do what he wanted
• stole lunches from peers at school
• smeared feces on walls of school bathrooms
• reported dying foster father to Social Services for abuse. **
Quinn’s behaviors became much more serious once he reached his ninth and tenth years:
• sexually molested younger children then threatened to kill them if they told
• broke into family friend’s home
• began consuming alcohol
• tortured and burned small animals; threatened to burn siblings."

On a personal note, I'm so happy to report that plans for building the financial nestegg needed to shoot The Boarder this summer go on. On March 21st there will be an auction with a chili cook-off and a dessert bake-off at the Ravenna, NE City Auditorium. It should be fun so I hope you plan to come. If you need directions don't hesitate to contact me for help. You can get in touch with me on the website, at contact Jane.

The word about this project is spreading and I thank you for that. Blessings to you for now and I'll be in touch. Jane

Prologue from Broken Spirits Lost Souls continues...

Dear Readers,

There was a break in the action, but in order to reach the goal of delivering the Prologue from 'BSLS' so you can get the drift for 'The Boarder' then I must continue...

"These are the behaviors I recall and the approximate age they first came to my awareness. I still don't know if any of the behaviors below have disappeared:

Between four months until his second birthday, Quinn:
• refused to be controlled, threw tantrums when activities changed
• bit my neck or collar bone when held close to be consoled
• had screaming nightmares which woke him from a sound sleep
• would not follow directions and demonstrated no desire to please
• refused to stay in crib/bed and wandered the house at night. **

During Quinn’s second and third year he:
• made poor eye contact except when angry, lying, or wanted something
• methodically set his siblings up to hit him
• punched, kicked, hit other children
• bit siblings and drew blood
• set siblings up to take the blame for his actions
• stole, gorged, and hid food, stole from siblings and mother
• lied including “crazy lying”; ex. “I’m not doing ___” as we observed it
• hour-long temper tantrums, destruction of rooms rather than cooperate
• intentionally urinated in own and siblings’ beds, on their clothing
• refused to follow teachers’ instructions at preschool
• disrupted class—climbing on desks and bookshelves, kicking books to floor
• played in camp fires, had fascination with fire and gore
• broke own toys and blamed others, broke others’ toys
• shrieked as if being beaten when corrected or told “no”
• whined and wailed when siblings physically touched him."

Long and tedious, huh? I'm sorry, but I think that in order to see what attachment disorders look like in homes, my description is necessary. Soon we'll be through the basic behaviors then will move on to something more current. Hang in there.

Blessings. Jane

AC360

Hello, Friends,

I'm interrupting my sorta routine to tell you about a program on CNN's Anderson Cooper tonight. Interestingly, it was about adopted kids who were too dangerous to remain in their homes.

Two families were interviewed, both had sent their boys to the special 'Ranch for Kids' in Montana because of their dangerous and threatening behaviors. One couple was determined to have their son eventually return to them, while the other mother felt she needed to give her child up for safety reasons.

As I watched I could relate to both families because I'd had the same feelings about my disturbed children at one time or another. What a total heartbreak for the children and for their families that love them.

I also thought what interesting timing Coopers piece is... especially since I'm up to my eyes in pre-production preparations to film 'The Boarder' in Ravenna this coming July. Although I've believed for ages that there has never been enough information out there about attachment disorders, watching the interviews I became even more convinced that is still the case.

A few professionals have known about Reactive Attachment Disorder and it's lesser forms for 30 years. It's time for us to get on board and get to work informing the masses about this terrible problem far too many children and families experience.

I am soooo grateful to those who have hopped on 'The Boarder' train and are doing what they can to help disturbed children and the families who love them. Please join us! Drop me a note at theboardermovie@gmail.com and I'll answer all your letters.

In the meantime, blessings to you and good night.

Jane

Back in action...

Dear Readers,

I haven't written a word on here for about two weeks. The cinematographer for 'The Boarder' movie came to Nebraska to do some of the pre-production work. Carmen Cabana is an incredibly talented woman from Venezuela/Columbia who's been living in LA for the past 5 years and continuing to develop her amazing talents.

When Carmen showed me samples of her work I could barely speak... wow! I'm so greatful that she's as excited to work on my project as I am to have her! Because she's so experienced, even at her young age, she's helping update the movie website and all things related to the production of 'The Boarder' movie.

So, please hang in there with us. Soon this website and all our links will be available and will be there to keep you up-to-date on what's happening in Ravenna, NE, site of the filming, and behind the scenes.

In the meantime, take care and we'll stay in touch.

Jane